Melanoma is one of the deadliest cancers in the world. When someone becomes diagnosed with melanoma, or any type of cancer, it changes them. It changes not only their world, but the world of their loved ones. There are a lot of feelings that bounce around during that time. A lot of pain, anger, frustration, and fright, but mostly: strength and courage. These feelings, and those changes happened to me when I was diagnosed with melanoma at the age of eighteen.
A lot of people are familiar with my story due to the fact that I was able to use my title and platform, as Miss Illinois USA 2018 to raise awareness, and promote prevention and healthy living. Although people are familiar with the story of my diagnosis, they are oftentimes not familiar with the struggle my diagnosis caused me and my loved ones, along with how I’m doing now that I am melanoma free. To me, those two things are just as important as the story of my diagnosis. If you are unfamiliar with how I got diagnosed, I encourage you to read this piece on the Melanoma Research Foundation website, which shares my story before continuing on with this blog.
Like I mentioned before, a diagnosis affects not only the individual being diagnosed but also the loved ones in their lives. When I found out about my diagnosis, I had to stay strong. I couldn’t show that pain, anger, frustration, and fright that I was feeling. Not because I didn’t feel it, but because I needed to be tough for the people I love. I was eighteen at the time, a senior in high school, and did not understand what was happening to me, and why it was happening to me. I always knew about cancer and how horrific it is, but like most people, I never thought it would happen to me. But it did.
This diagnosis nearly broke my mom. I never saw her so afraid, unsure and just upset. It consumed her, which consumed the rest of our family. I couldn’t let my fear and anger make things worse. I had to keep telling myself not to cry, and not to let my fear of the unknown show so that she could at least see that I knew things were going to be okay, even though I didn’t. Even though I don’t regret bottling up those feelings and pretending I was alright to my family and my friends, I know how psychologically harmful that was for me. Thankfully, once I was melanoma free I was able to go to therapy and let those bottled up emotions out. Therapy helped me move past feeling embarrassed and thinking I am “ugly” due to the scars on my body. It helped me stop wearing a Band-Aid on my thumb even though I was all healed up. It helped me gain the confidence to win Miss Illinois USA, and walk across the Miss USA stage in a bathing suit. And it helps me continue to spread awareness and prevention towards this awful disease.
Although I am melanoma free, and although I’ve gone to therapy, I’d be lying if I said my diagnosis and that scary time in my life didn’t affect me today. Although I am doing much better and feel more confident, I still catch myself covering up my thumb when I talk to people. I still catch myself picking out a shirt that covers the scar across my chest rather than the one that doesn’t. I still catch myself holding my breath every time I go to see my dermatologist for a checkup. Although I am melanoma free, almost every time I have that checkup, I need another biopsy because something looks “off”. Waiting for those results is always excruciating for me, but thankfully they’ve been coming out benign.
I’m very thankful for the position I’m in that allows me to share my story, and spread the message of early detection and prevention. You cannot always prevent cancer, but there is so much you can do that helps. It kills me when I still see my friends going to the tanning salon. I share with them my concern and how I would hope they know better because of my story, but all they say is “they know but need to be tan”. There are so many alternatives. It is safe to go get a spray tan or buy self-tanner. If you have the ability to avoid unnecessary UV rays, then you should be taking it. You should be making sure you’re wearing sunscreen and sun protective clothing when you’re outdoors and making sure you add a dermatologist to the list of doctors you see each year. Early detection possibly saved my life. I know it’s easy to read this and think that it won’t happen to you, but please remember that I didn’t think it would happen to me either, and although I was so lucky, the pain of that diagnosis affects me every single day.